The Lamp and Ashes III

O light, you were no ornament.
You were the straightedge laid against my testimony,
the surveyor’s chain drawn tight around desire,
the plumb dropped through my ribs
to hear what truth survived the speech of virtue.
You examined without anger—
as a judge weighs a witness,
as the sea tests a harbour wall.

Then I feared you—
not like thunder in the hills,
but like the first question under oath.
You uncovered the quiet frauds
filed in the docket of habit:
the courteous lie, the mercy postponed,
the sweet intoxication of being right.
My will, that bright defendant, raged and struck.

And in the inward stillness
a word lifted like smoke from hidden coals—
thelema, the hard name of will—
and with it the statute written in stars:
not licence, but allegiance—
Love is the law, love under will.
The brighter the lamp, the clearer the dust.

Perhaps the deepest
and most basic feeling
is being lost.

Other people
follow the usual paths.
Even when they are lost
they move forward
along routes
already laid.

From childhood
I believed
I should be someone
capable of walking
those socially muscular lanes.

I never quite became
that person.

Resisting this
brings shame.
Powerlessness.

Partial solutions—
distractions,
temporary comforts
that soothe
without orienting.

The cure
lies in what was once forbidden:

permission
to feel
fully.

Without restraint.
Without interference.

What calls us to feel
also calls us
to think.